Support over selfish.

Omg I say this all the time. 

Stop putting guilt into the lives of those of us that struggle to stay alive. 

Your selfish words only add to the pressures of our existence.

Have you ever wondered why someone who sits on the brink doesn't allow themselves to leave.. For many, including myself, its because doing so would hurt/harm those we love. 

Tell me again how selfish I am!

We cant go through life and face some of the most evil circumstances and not expect to be a little fucked up! Those interactions cause our brains to build shields... sometimes who we truly are will never be seen due to the trauma in our past.

Survival means getting up everyday and pushing past the memories and knowledge of how truly fucked up some humans can be.

We abuse our children but we don't teach them how to cope with the consequences of our/those actions. Those little brains develop their own coping skills and then grow into adults who are expected to be perfect!

Goodness me.. we need to remember everyone has their own stuff.. and be respectful and proud of all of us for surviving daily is a fucking brilliant yet sometimes tragic thing!

Support over selfish.

Please

Give those innocent minds a chance!

We are created from what we learn and that starts when we are born.

Please keep your personal beliefs off the table so your children have the chance to develop their own minds otherwise what you instill in them can alter them until they are unable to express who they truly are within because they are scared of bringing shame and sadness to others.

THIS HERE IS BULLSHIT.. Shame is created because we are afraid of what OTHERS think.. and in a true and just world what others think should never be a concern UNLESS your actions are going to bring harm.. like true harm not the sadness you would feel cuz somebody didn't do what you think they should..

This perpetuated madness has and continues to ruin beautiful lives.

We are the protectors and educators of these innocent minds.. Who the hell do we think we are muddying their pure thoughts with what we ASSUME is right.

Our mission is to provide these minds with the information they need to make their own decisions, right or wrong, their decisions.

Please stop this madness.. let these huMans learn and grow and express themselves without fear of living the rest of their lives in a shadow of themselves.

We are meant to be bold, expressive, multi dimensional INDIVIDUALS..

Not the sheepels that I now find myself walking amoungst.

BE strong.. fight shame... fight oppression.. fight to be yourself..

ALWAYS

How A Baby is Made!!

I thought this book was pretty good at explaining the whole dirty deal!! 

My favorite page is the one where the baby is busting its way out!

I want to think that is how I came out! 

https://vimeo.com/27847934

        

Gay at the Games: How Canada is hosting Pride House,

 I love my country.. 

The fact we need this kind of house for gay individuals to feel safe is SICKENING.

I find travelling difficult not only because of my looks but because of my sexuality(which shouldn't matter to anyone but my partner!)

There are countries I will NEVER go to because they KILL GAY PEOPLE.

That make sense to you at all??  

No, me neither.

We need to support each other.. gay, straight, disabled and abled.. for we are all the same..

WE ALL POOP!! 

Be the change... 

Gay at the Games: How Canada is hosting Pride House, a safe space for LGBT athletes at the Olympics

Hey Fellas!!

Generations and generations of sweeping this bad behavior under the carpet.

It is a shame that men feel attacked by what is happening in the world right now!

A shame that it has gone on this long for you to think it is OK and are pissed off that women are finally standing up and saying what you did or how you acted was inappropriate.

We didn't attack,grope,coerce, threaten, rape, diddle ourselves. This fear is not something that we made up.. it was created and then perpetuated by GENERATIONS AND GENERATIONS OF MEN!

Deal with the repercussions of your behavior.

Trust me.. it will never be as bad as living with the baggage of being a woman and taken advantage of.. you get off easy!

no pun intended!!

Jeremy Potvin

January 26 at 1:43pm · Toronto · 

HEY GUYS! Have you noticed that women are tearing this whole fucking system to the ground? Have you found yourself saying things like "this is unfair" or maybe this banger "it's hard to be a guy right now" or maybe a little "Patrick Brown's trial by media is super unfair"? Well, you're right and you're wrong and I'm here to tell you why and how.

With virtually everything I listed AND WAY MORE you are wrong, but you're goddamn fucking right women are tearing the whole system down! We never let them up in the first place so what did you expect?! Horrible men spent the last 100 years assaulting them whenever they got the chance, and then laughed at them whenever they asked them to stop - and then just KEPT ASSAULTING THEM.

Do you also find yourself thinking that the #metoo movement has gone too far? This is too much? Homies, this is JUST GETTING STARTED and we are not doing ANYTHING to help it. And notice that I didn't say "we aren't doing anything to *stop* it" I said, "help it". Because we should be helping it and here's one way:

Let's address the spectrum. That place that exists between that time you tried 400 times to talk a girl into having sex with you who didn't want to, and Harvey Weinstein. That exists. There is a spectrum. Patrick Brown is somewhere in the middle of that spectrum. But we have sympathizers (Christine Blatchford exists in this space, FYI, stop posting her GARBAGE article) saying things like "Patrick Brown didn't commit a crime and he is not Harvey Weinstein". No, he isn't - but how would we know as he just FLED THE FUCKEN BUILDING AND REFUSED TO TALK ABOUT IT. You know what would have been good? Something like this:

"You know what - that happened. I did those things that these two women describe. It was 10 years ago and I behaved very badly. I asked a high school aged woman for oral sex in a very, very intimidating situation and I cannot imagine what hell she has been going through for the last 10 years. I feel I have evolved as a human since then and I would like to discuss this. I would still like to be this party's leader, but we need to discuss this first. I'm sorry for my actions and I will stand here to face them."

Something like that would have been great. Boom - integrity! Boom - a discussion! Boom - not Harvey Weinstein!

However, he did not do that. He did what everyone else who does not have a shred of integrity does - he denied it and fled the building. Well, guess what, this makes him Harvey Weinstein. Because that is the only common denominator you have left for all of us to observe. And that is why women are going to continue to tear this motherfucker to the ground and the men who support them are going to let them do it. It needs to happen.

When a Patrick Brown situation shows up, stop banding together and attacking women and sympathizing with the assaulter.

Guys, start HELPING women tear this down. Because only those of us who pass the litmus test get to help build it back up.

I am a Kinky, Sexually Free, Furry, freak

I have NEVER hid who I am.. I am a Kinky, Sexually Free, Furry, freak who LOVES doing strange and wonderful things with consenting adults..

I spent many years facilitating the education of those that were unaware of this lifestyle and wanted to find a way to experience and express themselves.

One thing I know for sure is we all have a little twist!

I preach this...

Your kink may not be my kink but I will respect you for being secure enough with yourself to live as you wish. That it may not be suited to my tastes but I will do my best to listen and learn about it so I can understand you better.

We are, from the very beginning, influenced by those that surround us.. and so many of us are shown that being different isn't good.. that those that chose to be themselves and enjoy the finer pleasures that their bodies enjoy are deviants (in a bad way)

I am living proof that being true to yourself and going after the things you find enticing, within a safe and "educated" atmosphere can make you a happier individual.

Why hide who you are and what you like.. from yourself especially.

Life is meant to be experienced.. we would not have all these feelings if we were not intended to explore..

Now we are fortunate to have so much information and places where we can learn and celebrate ourselves.

I used to run a group called the

Freestyle Kinksters..

The

motto was ARC

A - Accept our kinky individuality knowing we have no choice in how we feel and what makes us go WOW

R - Respect ourselves and those around us.

C - Celebrate our similarities and differences with pride, kindness and understanding.

It is harder to dismiss these feelings within..

Tragic we don't use these trusting relationships we find ourselves in to explore for we fear what our partner may think of us.

For it is within those exchanges that we find ourselves and allow others to enjoy who we are.

Be brave.. Be yourself!

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/bdsm-photos_us_5a565999e4b03bc4d03d6ad8?utm_campaign=hp_fb_pages&utm_source=main_fb&utm_medium=facebook&ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063

No charges laid.. who fucking cares!

Why is it that "No criminal charges" are the sticking point to this whole Patrick Brown shit show..

Why do you think so many of us do not go to the police.. do you think its because we don't believe we were wronged??

NOT A FUCKING CHANCE

It is because for decades upon decades rape survivors have been blamed for having one drink too many, wearing the wrong clothes, leading the predator on, not saying no loud enough... it goes on and on...

Power, no matter who yields it .. from a politician to a parent.. can create an atmosphere where fear and intimidation are the basis for silence.

So much to lose.. but not for the powerful. for those they harm.

The powerful are surrounded by their people, who will lie and do whatever it takes to protect their person so they themselves will not have their lives change.

Let go of this idea that "assault" only counts if it is being shared with the police and charges laid.. if this were the case, and charges were something we were comfortable and able to do then we might not be having so many of these discussions..

For the message of STOP FUCKING WITH PEOPLES LIVES IN A NEGATIVE MANNER... will be understood as the consequences would be quick and hopefully painful.

These predators walk among us .. some closer than you would care to admit..

But we all damn well know.. they are there.

When your past is your present

Today started a little differently than yesterday. 

Today I bit into a muffin and my front tooth broke off ! 

As I looked at it laying on the bathroom counter I was sent flying back to the moment that my tooth began its remarkable impression on my life. 

The things we take for granted are outstanding.. my front tooth has never been one of those things. 

It has always been a reminder of how fragile life is and how fortunate (or not depending on the day you talk to me) I am to be alive.

This misplaced tooth was a result of a "bad date" from when I was 15 and in my second year of my prostitution career in Ottawa.  I knew when the dude punched my mouth that life wasn't going to be the same.. It was within this beating that I saw my young life pass by my eyes like the reel of a movie. 

It was a short reel and flew by and I can remember thinking.. wow, I might not make it out of this one. 

It was learned after they arrested the fella that he had planed on tying me up and putting me in his trunk and taking me home to kill me.  This was pretty evident by his actions as he beat me on the side of the road.. 

The next thing that was evident was how quickly life can change. 

I stood in the middle of the road.. half nakid and bloody at 4 in the morning as a car drove right by me.. This crazed fella took this as another opportunity to beat me and dragged me into the ditch again ... more lights in the distance meant he let me go and hopped in his car to wait for another person to drive by.. 

Again I stood in the road all bloody and crying.. this time this person(I am so grateful for him) stopped and after reassuring me that he wasn't going to hurt me I got into his car and he drove me to the police station.. 

From there it was hospital visit where I was treated for my broken face that included fractured cheekbones and broken jaw and displaced front tooth which was wired back into my face.

Eventually after hours of medical and police attention I was taken back to my apartment where I stopped at my friends place to let her know what was happening.. 

She freaked out and told me to go upstairs and she would come take care of me. That is what I did, crawling into bed and falling asleep quickly and thankful for the great pain medication I was given.  I woke to that friend from downstairs was going down on me, raping me.  I remember thinking "I am not sure what is happening but I cant stop it".. It continued until I gathered my strength and fought her off. 

After that night things went very fast.. The fella was caught and charged with attempted murder.. 

After a few months of police involvement they figured out I was a run away and came to my apt and got me, without warming, to bring me back to Barrie and my mother. 

I refused to go back into her home because she still lived with my step father,, the man who had been raping me for years and the reason I left home when I was 13. 

  

I ended up at a foster home and over the next year or so I had many visits to court and the dentist to secure this damn tooth.

After years of the tooth being ok it started dying and going black. I knew it was time to bite the bullet and go back to the dentist and have it removed and an implant installed. 

I searched for a dentist that would put me to sleep to perform all the tasks and set about doing this.

After months of back and forth to the city dentist I finally got a temp crown put on the tooth and I didn't go back to have the permanent one installed. 

I could smile and I couldn't force myself to face another moment in that damn chair so I just carried on with my life. 

Over the last 15 or so years my temp crown would pop out and I would crazy glue it back in. I figured if I spent the rest of my life gluing it back every 6 months that would be just fine! 

Foolish CaMel! 

Just before I had to move last year the tooth and the inner ring from the implant fell out.  I had to actually go to the dentist and have him cement the inner ring back in so we could glue the tooth on again. Sadly when he did this it wasn't aligned properly and in a few months I started to feel a hole starting on the back of the tooth. 

I returned to my dentist and he filled it with some goop and sent me on my way.. I am sure we both knew it wouldn't last but we didn't make any steps towards ensuring I was covered in case it broke.

This brings me to today as I look at my broken front tooth on the counter.  Two days ago I wrote my dentist and told him I was concerned and we had to do something. This morning I sent him the pictures of my tooth and my gappy tooth face.  

I saved the retainer with the front tooth on it just in case I was ever in this type of situation and it is that which I will take to the dr and hope they can make an impression from. 

I really work on keeping my head clear of any of my past. I know where responsibility lay for the life altering moments.  I have put it all into perspective and forgiven myself and all those that harmed me in order for me to move forward with some sort of sanity!  I know .. shhh!!! 

I am struggling today as I look at my broken face in the mirror.. the reality of  how others harmful actions affected my life  is brought to the surface. This tooth has always been a reminder even when my brain has chosen to give me a break!

This is the result of someone taking advantage of innocence. 

This is my daily visual reminder of where I come from and how I was forced to survive in a world where we are supposed to be protected, loved and encouraged. 

This visual I can't ever escape as I look at myself in the mirror. This means I can't hide my past within the folds of my memory as I would love to do! A powerful tool I imagine! 

Here I sit.. wondering how I am going to pull this off.. financially and emotionally.  I know that in the end I will be ok as I have always been so fortunate in my life. 

I am a survivor.. who has never come out of survival mode which is exhausting. 

Sometimes like my tooth, I feel broken. Today is one of those days.

So I will spend my day reminding myself that its just a tooth and that I am more than a tooth, 

I am crazy glue!

EDIT.. 

It is now the evening of this day,.. and I am sitting feeling pretty good. 

The universe did what it does and I was able to get into my most amazing dentist and have a brand new tooth crafted on the spot. 

He is a magician.. I am so grateful for his patience and skills as I walked away today with a brand new tooth, cemented into my noggin and ready for the next 20 years of my life. 

It doesn't have any gums so when my mouth is wide open it reminds me of a Chicklet and it is a bit whiter than the rest.  I love this aspect as it makes it even more special to me. 

My dentist said I was lucky it happened this morning as he wasn't there tomorrow.. I can't even imagine.. lol 

So thank you Universe for allowing me to finish this tooth situation in a manner that makes me smile.. proudly and put to rest some old tracks that have been front and center in my world for a very long while. 

   
https://www.drelstonwong.com/

We reap what we sew!! My Monday morning head shake!!

Today I woke to a message from a past client asking if I would be available to tattoo her later this week. 

I would normally have been thrilled to get another opportunity to add to someones canvas.

 Sadly this was not one of those times. 

See, this woman had spent a bit of time in my studio a few different times.. once there was a situation with her Son who had come to get a matching tattoo with his mom.  We were having a very interesting discussion where I was explaining the need for "The Slut Walk", He got his knickers in a knot when we started talking about how society blames the girl for attracting attention from what she wears.. which brought us to discussing his sister's attire.  He proclaimed that his sister deserves to be harassed because she wanders around downtown dressed like a whore. 

Now I damn well was not going to have that energy in my space and I proceeded to get in his face, along with his mom,   about how it was attitudes like his that perpetrated these horrific acts. 

He responded by throwing his banana across my studio and storming out. 

I was blown away by this and felt so bad for his mom as she sat there with her mouth open in amazement. Hearing her son talk about his sister and other women with such blatant disrespect was hard to hear she said.. I can only imagine as it was so difficult to watch! 

We stopped, had a coffee and regrouped so we could carry on with her addition. 

 I didn't see her for a while after that but when I did she came and got a rather big piece down her back.. I had given a estimate of one price but sadly it took a bit longer than I anticipated and asked for an extra $40 to cover this extra time and effort.  She did not have it with her but promised to email it asap.

I never saw that transfer.. I inquired about it politely and was told it was on its way.. of course I didn't see it and assumed this was not something I was going to resolve and moved on with my life. 

This past November I got another message from her asking if I would help her with another idea she had.. I gently reminded her that she still owed me this $40 and before I was going to book her in I would require that be settled.. 

Guess what happened?    That's right.. nothing! 

Here we are today.. I receive yet another message that informs me she wants to get another addition and will bring the money she owes me when she comes for this one. 

This rubbed me the wrong way and I responded with a note saying I wasn't interested in her business anymore.. etc.. *It's all down below for you to read!)  

She responded to my note with three letters.. "LOL"

I am not surprised this person response as I am know people are very focused on what they want and can get without considering who they wrong in doing so. 

This woman is a self employed and runs a child care in her home.. I am SURE she would never tolerate someone not paying her. 

 To do to another, what you would freak out if it was done to you, speaks volumes about who you are! 

It is these individuals that are the bullies of society.. they deem themselves above any of the common "rules" and treat those that tend to their needs like shit. 

I am sad for those that have to live like this.. that take advantage of others kindness, are mean and disrespectful.  I can't imagine how horrible it would be to feel so bitter all the time.

I certainly know what it feels like on the other side of their actions and will always do my best to stand up to them and speak my truth about how their actions make me feel.. 

I have hope that someday one of these folks will take my words into their heads and realize that perhaps there is a different way to do things that will create a much more positive space to exist within.

One where you are trusted, respected and appreciated!

I am grateful for this experience this morning.. it made the rest of my day SHINE.. 

How another's mental illness affects my life and the boundaries I need to establish.

Below is a collection of comments I received last night when trying to have some items this person has borrowed returned to me. I have gone to the police regarding the harassment from this individual and her people. 

It is my fault that they are still in my life,. some fucked up part of me keeps thinking things will change and that someone can't be so troubled when shown kindness and compassion.. 

I am wrong in my thinking and so very done with this in my life.

I have never been spoken to with such vileness.. I find it difficult to imagine what it must be like to live within such a troubled mind.. I do tho know what it feels like to be treated like trash every time they feel the urge. 

I am grateful for the past year as it has helped me gain the strength needed to remove this energy from my life.. and to know that no matter what, they will never be an individual that is healthy for me to associate with.

I feel for them.. sad that they cant figure out a more productive manner to express themselves. 

I am saddened because within them I know there is a good, scared, hurt person who only wants to be loved in a manner that doesn't create more madness. 

I took these from tonight's emails and put them here to remind me of what evil looks like.. I did not include the ones where they pick apart all my past partners in the most despicable manner I have ever experienced.  Nor will I share last nights barrage of loveliness.. suffice to say it was equally as nasty and typical in its delivery! 

This persons troubled mind is  another example of what happens when you fuck with the innocent minds of children and do not give them a means to heal those hurts. 

I am sorry that this happened.. again.. I will finally stop being so fucking selfish in thinking things can change and leave them alone forever.. 

I refuse to allow this energy into my life anymore.. for this is the stuff that pushes innocent people to the brink. 

"You’re an ugly, smug bitch and your hair makes you hideous. You’re a skank and a piece of PIG shit. 

You’re so fucking stupid, it’s laughable. Go get an education you uneducated fucking bitch. You are “A honest person”? Lmfao it’s AN honest. ROFL. You’re so fucking stupid. You think I care about the barn animals you call exes? Lol lol lol lol. "

"You’re pure trash. You're ugly. You’re stupid and you can’t tattoo worth shit. "

"You’re a huge joke. Now go run to Facebook like the ugly nasty 48 year old stinky, scuzzy attention seeking whore pig that you are." (they know what I say because they stalk my profile/business and drive by my cave multiple times a day!)

"Leg spreading whore!!!!!!Once a prostitute, always a prostitute." 

"Diseased nasty, RAPIST Cunt." (They stayed over and consented to my touching them while we were both fully jammied.. ie rubbing back as they were falling asleep and have now used that against me trying to say I touched them inappropriately,   Last year they took a photo of a bruise they had gotten from consensual play and made a facebook post saying i had been violently assaulting and raping them for 6 months.. we were only together 3!! and were consenting kink partners) (Not sure about the diseased part tho.. lol)

"And may you rest in your ugly glory when cancer and/or COPD finally takes you. I hope you choke!" 

"And it’s “AN” HOUR not “A” HOUR.

Maybe you should think about getting your grade 12 diploma, idiot." (This comes from the person who just a few month ago got her GED!)

Some people act so entitled.. this person is just another one in my life that thinks they are better than others.. I am blown away!

I will come back to this when I need a quick reminder of TOXIC and what I never will allow into my life again! 

I forgive them for their behavior .. .because I know how they got to be sick like this. I will never forget how they treated me and will use that knowledge in my future interactions.

Tragic love story.. tragic lost life.. simply tragic.