Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Ta daaaa

"You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete."
~Buckminster Fuller

We have begun our new Model... Thank you Dad, we will make you proud!

This really has so far been the most interesting of adventures! 

I don't have the time at this moment to put it all down, nor do I think I have the words.  

Which is how I get when I have had magic come into my life. 

I am going to get some sleep  now so I can make sure we are up in time to have lunch with everyone.

Intimidation burger here we come!!!

Saturday, April 20, 2013

The wheels on the Buz go...

We arrived just after 9 in Moncton NB. We have gotten a little hotel room and are now chilling out.

It was a long ass drive so far. 16+ hours in the car. Both prey and David were awesome travel companions. There was some eating and sleeping, Singing and laughing.   A few pee breaks and some nasty windy snowy, rainy and omg beautiful sunshine weather.

Quebec is boring and so far NB is boring as well.

We had a run in with some wind and a ladys van door!

Saw a raccoon, canada goose and a deer on the road today none of which I hit!

I am going to lie down now .. sitting hurts!!

Travelling tomorrow to Peggys Cove and then to Dad and Linda's home.

Then well...

Just then!!!


I had to speak at my fathers funeral. I did a version of what you read below.. it was really strange to be there speaking about a man I hardly knew.


"It doesn't matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was."~Anne Sexton~

Dad, I am so grateful your heart held up so long and gave in so easy. That you are no longer trapped within the confines of your Parkinson's and that you will now be able to use your words again as you hang out with your peeps! 

You taught me to be strong and that I must work hard and make sure "The wolves stay away from my front door".

You taught me to take care of what is mine and that being true to yourself will reward you by surrounding you by people that love you and you can love in return.

The lessons were not always good or kind but in the end I believe they are all necessary.I hope you found your peace.Let me assure you I have found mine!

I miss you as I always have!! 

Thank you for choosing to have me in your life. I appreciate all the time we shared.


I had a love hate relationship with my father. He was a good man who worked hard all his life to take care of those he gathered into his world. 

I have a past, like everyone.  Mine is filled with abuse, divorce, abandonment and many decisions made due to situations and circumstances that have contributed to who I present to the world.

My father was not there for me when I needed him. Both he and my mother chose the "Blind eye" strategy when faced with the reality their daughter was being sexually abused.  Their decision to deal with my life with such disregard was what molded our future relations.

I felt abandoned and so very disappointed.. I was adopted and always felt that if someone went to all the effort to adopt a child they would put forth equal effort to keep those children safe from harm. A responsibility that comes with being a parent and should never be taken lightly.

I disowned my mother years before her death because she never took responsibility for her actions and in those occasions that she did acknowledge what happened she did what many who have not experienced such breach of trust do.. She said I should just get over it. It was her new husband that was abusing me and she felt I was trying to break them up by telling such "lies" 

My father remarried a few years after he divorced my mom. He found a beautiful soul that accepted him and loved him unconditionally. She had three children of her own which put me right in the middle of the 5 kids. I was picked on and made to feel I didn't belong. My brother had gone to live with my mom which left me all on my own in a strange house/city/family. 

They were married over 30 years this past year, My father having discovered his battle with parkinson's about ten years ago spent the last few years trapped in his body. Unable to speak, walk, function.

Before the onset of his illness he and his wife spent 20+ years being foster parents. Their home housed sexually abused children.  I can remember feeling so very jealous that these kids were getting a part of my father that I never felt I had the privilege of. 

His love, acceptance, respect and compassion. 

Their contribution to those children's lives has been epic. I know his love was all encompassing and that when I go to his memorial I will be standing amongst so many young men and women whose lives he touched and most certainly changed! 

I am so so very proud of my father for being able to reach inside himself and give. 

And although it may not have been what I "expected" from a father I can certainly appreciate the valiant efforts he put into his life and the lives of those around him. 

I am grateful for the lessons his presence in my life taught me. Grateful he put that time and effort into me when he choose to adopt me. Waiting for 5 years to finally bring me home! 

I am grateful for how I feel at this moment.. the Pride, compassion, understanding and the loss. 

I was abandoned physically but his actions over the many years help me realize he never abandoned me emotionally.  I believe his interactions with all those children following me was his way of atoning for how things went with his little girl so many years ago.

People do learn and they can change. Even tho it didn't change what happened in my past it certainly changed how I go forth into my future. 

 Thanks to my dad I will be beginning a interesting adventure in two weeks. One I know will be a pivotal time in my life. One that will bring many "bumper sticker" moments, provide growth opportunities and push my patience!  My older wonderful brother and I will be driving together to Nova Scotia to attend the memorial service of our father. 

I have been asked to say a few words but I know that no words I could ever craft will be able to express the love and admiration I have for this man, my Dad. 

It will be the faces of all of those he loved and cherished that proves his worth.

I hope they don't find it rude I take their picture as I stand in front of them.. a picture I will send to all of them to remind them of where we come from.. 
Thank you everyone for your words of support and encouragement. Please know I am so grateful for your compassion and healing energy. I will tuck it all in my pocket to fuel me as I begin the journey of celebration.

Friday, April 19, 2013

I will continue to smile through my tears...

“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.” – Mark Twain

I am lucky to be on this adventure with two of my favorite people. My beautiful Prey and my funny slightly annoying older brother. 

I have no doubt that there will be times as we travel that I will find myself pondering releasing my brother into the closest large body of water but I am confident in the end Michelle will save him from me! 

I was so relieved when Prey got word from her work that she could join us. Not only did it mean we would have two drivers which will make things a bit easier. It also had a significant impact on the relationship between David and I. As anyone that knows us realizes that we have all the traits of loving relatives who know all the right buttons to push to piss the other off! 

Prey in attendance will be that buffer we need to make it back home safe at the end of the week.

We are hoping to take videos and lots of pictures in our travels and I would really like to have my brother add his words here but I am not sure you will see him in print! Although I have to admit watching his antics on video will be possibly the most entertaining thing you have seen in a long time. 

Please as you watch keep in mind we are adopted!! From separate Parents!! 

As we travel my daugher is being left behind to give birth to her first child, a son.  Sadly we are estranged at this time and I am not privy to this MONUMENTAL event in her life. I can't express how sad this makes me feel as there is nothing I would like more then to be able to be by her side as she experiences this most magical thing called birth. 

There are many factors that go into our not speaking right now. Both of us have contributed but sadly only ONE of us OWN's their actions.   Until the other comes around there will be no communication unless of course there is an emergency and then all holds are off and I will be there like any loving mother would be.. As that is what I am .. Her Mother, I love her and wish her nothing but happiness and peace.  I will always be here but I will not put myself in the position of being continuasly hurt and lied about.  Hence  we are where we are. 

She will be in contact with her Uncle.. who we are not fondly referring to as GRUNKLE (Greatuncle)!! So he will be able to reassure me they are both safe and sound. That knowledge will ease my mind and I am keeping hopes that when my step mom Linda comes to visit in late May she is able to go visit Bear with David and see her and her new son.  

I mention this as it is a very important aspect of this journey as it is so very hard for me to be leaving town at this time. I am terrified something might go wrong and I will not be in a position to be here if she needs me.

As much as I know I have to be at my dads celebration it is killing me inside to do so!! 

I have to say I am also a little apprehensive to be surrounded by my step family again. I have a whole wack of "stuff" that goes hand in hand with all of them that I have avoided for years. 

I am grateful that I am not going to my dads old house and that this is a place I do not know and have no memories within. I am hoping that will help me as I put this final closure on my past! 

It will be ok of that I have no doubt.. Everything happens for a purpose and I am and have always been a very lucky CaMel. Even with all the bad shit I have experienced I have survived. That in itself is a miracle. 

The universe has provided me with my beautiful prey by my side to lean on, laugh with and create amazing memories. Between her and my amazing brother this trip will be FanFUckingTastic. I am so very grateful for their company! 

 At midnight our adventure begins.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

It starts here...

Once upon a time there was a CaMel, Her beautiful Prey and Her very gay handsome brother tucked neatly within the metal walls of a 4 door, pontiac G5 barreling down the highway.

 They were setting forth on a mission of EPIC proportions.

On route to Nova Scotia, for a life celebration and to celebrate life!!

This is where they will chronicle their journey.

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