Saturday, December 31, 2016

2016 You were educational if nothing else..

Trust - Don't!! People suck and well.. no more needs to be said at this time.
Honesty - Can't be expected even if it is given. This has been a huge factor of my year.
Manipulation - Wow!!! Unbelievable how people try to make you responsible for their actions. The skills I have witnessed this year are outstanding. I deserve a prize for being able to see through the plates of bullshit.
Mental illness - Sad, heartbreaking and sometimes harmful to the innocent bystanders.
Friends - Beautiful yet terrifying as trust issues are a very real part of my life right now. My inner circle has gotten very small and consists of two loving furry felines and my few favorites.

BUT after finally being honest with my outer circle the outpouring of love and support has truly provided me with energy on the days I wasn't sure I could.
I am so very grateful for all of those beautiful souls in my life.
And hope that I can give back the support with as much kindness and compassion as I have felt.
Solitude - Sometimes required to stay alive.
Tears - Omfg So many which means so so so much snot!
Food - No longer something I can use to comfort myself as my body is ensuring I remain healthier for this last half of my existence
Anger - At myself for so many things but mostly for hurting people. Never do I wish for my life to bring pain and suffering into someone's world. I am ashamed of myself for my lack of maturity at times. Yet also proud that I have been able to remain in control as I have faced some pretty heavy personal attacks on my integrity.
Confusion - As I struggle to do what is right for all those in my life. To put myself first is a given but still remains the hardest thing to do.
Laughter - Still remains the best medicine and can be done through tears and all that snot.
Hope - fuck, this is fleeting at times.
Fear -  I struggle to keep in check for it is a life blocker.
Security - Unobtainable but some things can be put into place to temporally assist even if it's not permanent.
Intuition - Is a very real thing that I have been honing for my entire life.

I move into this next year alone. My past romantic interactions have left me heartbroken. I need to rebuild my self worth as it has been picked apart this year by people with personal agendas.
I need to continue to find that inner strength to be exactly who I am. I am not suited for everyone. In fact I have learned my lifestyle, career and past are very hard to live with and create insecurity and distrust within intimate partners.

I am going to commit this year to my career and those relationships that are being built within the walls of my studio.
That is where my future lies.
This is where I feel safe and happiest as I am able to assist in self expression and healing in a safe and friendly environment.

Which brings me to my theme for 2017.
As that is what I will be encouraging and creating within my own life.

Freedom of fear
It serves only to prohibit me from experiencing life in its pure form.

Freedom of past.. 
Letting go is the only way to move forward.
Freedom of expectations
Unrealistic and crushing.  I can't expect others to interact in the same manner that I do.  Sadly I also cant expect to be treated the way I treat others as not everyone gets that simple law of attraction.

Freedom to express.
My thoughts in a kind and compassionate manner.
My inner self no matter what others may think as it is not they who live my life!
How the actions of others affect my life. Positive or negative I believe people need to be responsible for how they touch others lives. 

Freedom to take risks..
Terrifying but necessary to move forward. 
Which will in turn help me overcome the silly fears that I have been created as I learned to cope with all that has been happening in my world. 

2016 didn't kill me..
Proving that there was not a "Straw that broke the CaMels back" but rather glasses which enabled me to see life and those within it clearly.
Vision has has helped me see through the madness so I can continue to encourage and experience positive growth.

Saturday, December 24, 2016

I wish you...

A day filled with laughter. 
Magical moments you wish you could capture in a jar like firefly's. 
Laughter that makes your cheeks hurt and panties wet(well some of you!) 
Aching ears from the squeals of joy and the words of wisdom.
Arms that are weary from the hugs and playing. 
A tummy that is filled with good food.
Eyes that twinkle as you capture your people in your mind.
A soul that is filled by the love and gratitude.

This might not be a favorite day for many which is something I can fully comprehend!
Please, through the ick, try to remember that you are ... 

And this is truly just another day!
Please be safe, kind and open minded.

Friday, November 4, 2016

Energy doesn't lie!

Trust the vibrations you experience when ambling through life.. Energy doesn't lie!
Sometimes we chose to ignore these vibrations in hopes that just this once they would be wrong.. But alas you will often find yourself shaking your head as you deal with the consequences your very own actions, or lack of!
There is a fine balance between what we want and what we need.. sometimes they are one in the same! But not often do we get the results we anticipated.
I do know this.. those results are ALWAYS what is required to move forward with knowledge that 'could' guide us in other directions in the future..
Should we chose to listen.
Today, in a world where the noise is deafening.. take the time, put your ear to the rail, and listen.
Let your energy carry you forward!
As it is intended to.

Thursday, September 15, 2016

Your people will be just like you!

When taking stock of your life and the relationships you involve yourself with. It is important to note the ones/people that bring joy to your life and then the people/relationships that bring you stress, negativity, or make you react in a manner you may never normally.
Now if you will, think about this. Both types bring things to our lives that we will carry with us forever.
It's common knowledge that when we are treated with kindness it fires off something in our brain and creates a warm fuzzy grateful feeling.
When we are swimming in such negativity, the impact on your life will NOT be filled with joy and accomplishment but rather a bitterness, jealousy, and disappointment that will bury your in your own filth for as long as you allow.
Once you can see the damage such relationships cause your soul, I hope you will realize you are worth more, can value yourself. and then work towards finding those that celebrate your uniqueness, enjoy your company and can be moving WITH you towards happiness and fulfillment.
Our lives do not depend on what we do.. they depend on who we do it with, and how we treat them and most importantly, ourselves.
Without the right people around you.. you can not soar as intended!
We all deserve to fly and poop "randomly" as we loop -d- loop~

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

It doesn't matter

"It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for – and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool – for love – for your dreams – for the adventure of being alive."
~Oriah Mountain Dreamer

What's your personality type!

This is totally me.. I do fit in!!

Sunday, August 28, 2016

No one is You!! THAT is your Power!

I am privileged for reasons that not all would appreciate.
One of them is being able to share space with so many individuals that are working so hard to express who they are.
It is uplifting to see the joy on the faces as they see the results of their big jump into individuality. The pride of being able to accomplish something that they can share with the world and belongs to them forever.
Then there is the other side of the coin.. 
When i hear them comment how they can't share without being judged and usually by those that are closest to them.

We live in a time where we are forced to compare ourselves with all we see around us. In a society where superficial is IN. Encouragement is replaced with condescension. Self expression is smothered in hopes of conformance.
It hurts my heart when I see everyone looking the same. With blank faces and open mouths as they wander the streets on a mission to find what they were never taught to treasure.
I am always saying how we need to do better. That we need to teach our children to be themselves.. but that must be really difficult when as adults we are unable to accomplish what we are trying to instill.
We need to change our own thinking and embrace our quirks.. wear those funky hats,, paint your toenails, dress up your car! 
Show the world who you are within.. who you have been hiding for all these years because you are scared what other people think.

I learned long ago to embrace the stares.. to answer all questions with a smile, to kill the world with kindness and to encourage others to do the same.
I am grateful I am able to express myself as I see fit..I feel sadness for those that share their negativity as i have realized it is those very individuals that were never taught to be themselves..
So please.. if you do anything today.. Encourage self expression.. put on that tutu, eat the peanut butter and olive sundae.. Wear your pants backwards and smile at strangers.
As you do this .. remember...
No one is You!! THAT is your Power!

Monday, July 25, 2016

walking a mile in someone's shoes

Perhaps walking a mile in someone's shoes is important before you judge them for their actions.
I have sat quiet about my situation for almost a year as I waited to see what was going to happen.
I may have posted a few things about broken trust etc as YES my trust was broken by my partner .. in a nonconsensual sexual manner.
I share my pain so others can know they are not alone..

I share my pain so others can know that even tho I may not be contacting them, I am still here working through it.
I share my situation so others can see what can happen without proper communication and trust.
I share for attention. absolutely.. for I have felt abandoned and my life is crumbling

I am a good person.. my ex partner is a good person.. we both made mistakes..

We will have friends on either side.. that is ok.

But the truth is.. this was not my fault.. this was a mistake made by a person.. who in the end may/should be grateful for this mistake as it has allowed her to have the freedom that she desires. Not a bad thing just a shitty way to get there...

Apparently, I was holding her back..

What i say to you all out there reading this..

Communicate.. communicate .. communicate.

Sticking your head in the sand is dark and stifling. No problems get solved in fact the sand fills in all the positive space and smothers any goodness there was.
If you have an issue.. be brave .. face it and don't lead someone on. Their lives are as important as yours is.
So to those that may feel my recent sharing is out of character or out of place.. please take a moment and walk in my shoes.
I speak the truth in all it's ugliness and if that makes me look ugly to you defriend me.. I am ok with that.
Adult games have adult consequences.. no matter what fantasy land you live in.. we are all still human and if you can't respect someone as that.. shame on you.

Sunday, July 24, 2016

When good things end.

Forgiveness is easier when you are not faced with new circumstances that ramp up your ire!
I am grateful to the universe for showing me where I need to focus my energy.
Sadly it is not going to be towards my beautiful as she is no longer my beautiful.
She has set herself off into the world to experience life in a manner I could not bring to her table.
Sadly this was not done with grace and the process has been long creating monsters in us both.
I hope with time and love we can both heal and move forward utilizing the lessons we learned together.
I am shattered.. as you can imagine. My entire world was with her and now I am faced with the reality that no matter how hard I tried it wasn't enough. Funny how she echoes the same.
I have some intimacy baggage from childhood sexual abuse and 3 years of prostitution.. I have been to counseling and have done a lot of work on me.
Even more tragic was before she set this in motion I had just started a new medication that has changed my life. So now that I am finally feeling AWESOME I will need to find someone else eventually to share that with.
I sadly ignored the needs of my young partner and made her feel unloved. This feeling opened the door for her to reach outside to find that attention and sadly when that was done without my consent, all things went to shit.
I encourage everyone to communicate.. for it was that lack of communication/disrespect by my partner and her partners, that bring me to this new chapter in my life.
If you can't talk.. you have nothing. Your silence can lead someone on, create a bucket of trouble and eventually end what was the most incredible time of your life.
I AM who I am today because of what SHE brought to my life.
I will always love her with everything I have and i am angry at myself for dropping the ball (LOL). I know now where it all stands and am moving forward and not pretending anymore that it will all be ok.
I want nothing but happiness for her, for our friends to support her as she moves forward and for her to finally feel the love she has missed. i wish that it was me that would bring that joy to her door but I know I had my chance. The world has so much available to her.
And every day I thank her for the opportunity I had to feel like I was whole even when I know I am far from that. I will treasure her love and dedication. I have never loved anyone like I do her.
Please be patient with me as I heal. Love is a hard thing to let go even harder when you were not the one to do anything wrong and you still have so much love.
I am grateful for all of you and your support.. I have pulled back since this happened so I could figure it all and now when I am ready to come back I am overwhelmed by the support of my friends.
I love you all .. so much. Please know my silence is not anger yet simply protection as I heal.
Be good to each other.. never know when your life will change.

Please know I take my responsibility.. I reacted very poorly at times saying some very mean and unnecessary things. This has not been easy for either of us and I struggle daily with the behaviour I let happen.
Part of this letter is to finally get some closure for us both. She didn't do anything other than follow her needs. I understand the whys and was truly working towards finding the proper environment for her to fulfil these needs.. I totally set this up and would have been fine with it had I been able to consent to the time etc.
She is a wonderful woman.. who felt neglected and sad.. I am so so sad that I hurt her and only want her to be true to herself and go after her dreams.
Perhaps someday the universe will bring us back together.. but for now being apart is where it needs to be.
She messed up.. I messed up. We both own it and accept it.

I was informed by one that my note makes me sound like I am presenting myself as a victim.. Which is SO not the case.
I am a statistic.. of open/poly gone wrong,
Guilty of taking risks which usually are under the umbrella of RAC
All were present in this situation but CONSENTUAL.. which in the end.. trumps all else.
I am disappointed absolutely, as I never imagined this would happen.
That I would be looked upon as the one "throwing it all away" because I have some serious issues with my partner carrying on with life with these folks and me not being able to join in anymore. The very people that broke my trust. Up to this point we had, as couples, done so much together over the year and had plans for a fun future.
The compromise I was presented with is her refraining from sexual escapades with them but she is going to keep her friends and continue to party and have fun.
I was not only was expected to rebuild the trust of one.. but truly three.
What do I gain from that.. yes it is wonderful knowing my partner is out there having fun and living life. I am thrilled to remain home (insert sarcasm here).. taking care of her house, crushed because I had to remove myself from the situation after calling everyone out on their bad behaviour. Perhaps slightly too crude or aggressive I admit.. but in the end, I did those things to ensure I would not have to interact with them again.
I trusted the fella .. as agreed upon before hand they had done some things in the past.. non sexual.. They had not gone "there" and as I learned after, had ever communicated about going there other than our initial checklist that was done in JANUARY!!!
I trusted him as a man to take care of what I treasured. . A big one for me as I do have much experience with humans and I know what they are capable of.
I trusted him as a friend which in the end.. well.
I also viewed him as my "play friend".. as we had (or again so I had thought) that arrangement for us both to explore.
I was not informed they were at this point in their relationship nor was I informed the full extent of the actual act until a month after. Then it was made out to be nothing as my partner didn't classify the nakid interactive actions as sex. Which I struggled with as well.. for to me.. nakid interactive actions with two people = sex. add in unprotected to the mix and well... no nuance here.
So yes.. I feel very disrespected and a little bitter about what has transpired.. which is a far cry from victim..
I have been told the nuances of the situation allow it to be special.. I disagree.
The situation is this.. no consent to unprotected sexual fun = broken trust.
broken trust needs to be rebuilt .. without the outside influence of those that broke it in the first place.
I wasn't given a chance to forgive and heal. I feel it never really ended as I have not felt safe in my life/relationship since.
But I know it goes deeper than this.. I feel it was a way for my partner to find her way out of a relationship that she wasn't into anymore.
As of today, we are still working out the separation agreements.
I am you see.. screwed. .my income and life reside in a home that I was told was bought "for me/our future" 2 months before this happened.. so I have spent the last 10 months (yes this happened on our anniversary) terrified that I will have to start over.. and to be honest I have nothing.
I have been building my business within our home since the beginning. SHE has always been my #1 supporter in all ways as I was the domestic CaMel and loving my position. I was taking care of all the petty aspects of our lives while SHE worked and did school for almost 6 years now.. My business has paid for itself and a little extra each year getting better I didn't start any savings as all my money earned went back into the business and our lives. .
Now I admit it's not going to work and i need to figure out what to do from here as you see my name is on nothing. She bought the house and my credit sucks.. so of course, I can't be on the deed. It was never an issue.. until it was!  
She is a wonderful woman who is hurt.. and normally would never do anything to harm me but I am afraid of course due to the nuances of the situation.  Hurt people do crappy things.. I know this cuz I have done them myself! 
Common law has no rights.. Did I mention terrified.,. yet still not a victim. I took the risk.
Communication again.. it was key .. from the moment our relationship and our relationship with others began, until even this moment.
This is tragic.. for what has been lost was fucking magic.. or so I thought.
We were strong and worked so well together She was committed to me, gave me everything and loved me until it didn't work for her anymore. After all is said and done it seems she spent much time hurting from my lack of intimacy and not taking care of herself. I don't blame her for this as it was meant to happen so we can both learn and move forward.
I know there are people that think I am wrong and that I should have just let it go. I get that and understand that not everyone will feel the same about these sorts of experiences in relationships.
So again.. not a victim.. but a statistic.. of the "Never fuck your friendS" club.
I knew better but thought I was going to be above this happening.. lol
Communication could have stopped this from happening.. simply asking if I was ok.. to which I would have requested it happen another night, within a much more respectful and comfortable environment. With EVERYONES consent.
All it would have taken was a moment to get that consent.. a moment that has changed the lives of two very amazing women and those around them.
I am so very very sorry for the manner in which I have reacted.. I am sorry that I can't turn back time and make her feel that I adored her.. I really thought she felt my commitment to her and our life we had been building.
I know there is no turning back.. just working through the heartache that I know I carry and when I get a chance to look in her eyes.. she carries as well.
I miss my monkey butt.. My beautiful ... I know It will get easier .. I will feel stronger.. but right now.. as I sit bawling.. I feel rather.. empty.
It wasn't worth the risk.. I have lost the love of my life.. my nurse.. my everything.
And she has set her CaMel free..



I am not sharing this to make anyone look bad.  I am explaining my experiences with open/poly.  

I am also sharing how we can totally rob ourselves of security by not taking care of ourselves in the manner of a personal savings/partnership agreements etc. 

I don't think for a moment that SHE will present me with a situation that is not fair. I don't think that SHE wants to see me harmed.  I think SHE still loves me somewhere within. 

I would love to see me remain as the Custodian CaMel.. taking care of her investment and paying my way with the proceeds for my already established studio.

I don't want to harm her EVER.  I am not doing anything by sharing but trying to help someone out there that may find themselves in a similar situation.

I have spent my entire adult life online.. sharing pieces of my life, who I am, my relationship troubles, where I came from and all the things that have brought me joy.. 

Why is it when I share my pain..I am judged.  

Come on now.. We learn from each other and if something I say here helps someone not feel/experience this.. then I have made a difference and helps me to swallow a very bitter pill.. 

Which is what life is sometimes..  

Monday, July 18, 2016

Dear Child

Dear child.. 
We can accommodate you to the best of our ability. You must remember that we are also human and grew up before you. This means things are different now, faster, stronger, busier.
 We will try to keep relevant and engaging but patience, as we adjust, will do you well. 
We will try to do what is right even if it challenges our beliefs. We may not have been taught from education but rather generational myths and we all know how that game of telephone goes. 

Please share your knowledge without attitude as we all learn differently and your world is far more intricate than what we knew. We will be looking to you for our safety and security as we ripen so keep in mind we all end up the same and carry kindness and compassion with you at all times . 

Please let us look as we want.. we have earned the right to ignore what society preaches and dance to our own drum beat as it truly is the only one we can hear clearly. 
Before assuming we are out to get you and give us credit for having years of life lessons and may know from experience that peeing in the wind can leave a bad taste in your mouth. 

And finally.. love us.. for all our dorky and silly traditions and stories. We truly only have so much time to share your history before you take over and start your own sequel. Relationships are the most important , time-consuming, mind tweaking energy sucking adventures we experience. 

There are no directions only a tattered map passed on from generation to generation. I hope you are able to grasp that we are in this together till we are not. 
Forever may only be a moment.. make them count.

Thursday, June 30, 2016

Straight Pride.. WTF

There are a few ways to piss off a CaMel and THIS has become one.

There are a few ways to piss off a CaMel and THIS has become one.  A story about the creation of a Straight Pride!
WTF.. I am sorry but "Straight" people don't have the issues that the LGBTQ community face on a DAILY..
There are COUNTRIES we CANT visit or they will KILL us because we love each other.
I am ALWAYS being judged because I have SEX with someone I love.
I am ALWAYS being judged because I have SEX with someone I love.
I am ALWAYS being judged because I have SEX with someone I love.
I am ALWAYS being judged because I have SEX with someone I love.
I am ALWAYS being judged because I have SEX with someone I love.

ALWAYS, my ENTIRE adult life.
Tell me.. how many times as a straight person do you feel uncomfortable and afraid for your LIFE because you are holding the hand of someone you love. Or KIss your love. Or comment to them in that manner that lets people know that is someone you LOVE!
I make jokes about my sexuality to make people feel more comfortable as it is always an elephant in the room.
Once again.. There are COUNTRIES we CANT visit or they will KILL us.
KILL us.. because of love.

Really .. a straight pride.. F%‪#‎K‬ YOU!!!
Everyone that may think this is a funny or clever idea has obviously never faced such hate because of who you love! You can still travel, eat at local restaurants, get married, be the partner in hospital visits and bury your lover without question

Love is pure.. until we make it ugly.
Shame on you straight people who can't see beyond your own selves. 
Keep it up.. you create this UGLY world we live in..
A place I am so often disgusted to be a part of!

Sometimes I am full of hope for a better tomorrow.. then this kind of thing comes up and reminds me again that so many people just SUCK!

Sunday, June 19, 2016

The day we celebrate the Parent with the Penis!!

One of the most important missions we will ever accept is the "Parent".
We are required to love, no matter what conditions we may have experienced as children. 
We are to teach kindness, acceptance, self-worth when we may never have experienced such. 
We are to provide necessities to keep the little human fuelled and tuned up so their vessel is prepared for the challenges it will face.

We must open ourselves and share who we were, our journey, fears, and insecurities.
Proving that although we are the 'Parent' we are still human and can somewhat relate to today's difficulties.

This mission doesn't always end well. Sometimes the players can't see far enough outside themselves to build that bridge.
Most times the mission is successful. 
Parent and little human form a bond fuelled by mutual respect and admiration, love and loyalty.

I am so grateful to have met some of the most amazing parents in my life.Who have and continue to sacrifice themselves for the betterment of their little humans.
Proving what I know to be true even tho I may not have experienced it myself!
This brings me to Today. The day we celebrate the Parent with the Penis!! DAD!!! A KEY player!
May your day be filled with corny jokes, gross ties, fantastic bad for you food, millions of kisses and hugs.
To all of those Dads who left ahead of us and are dancing in the stars. Thank you. Please have a dance for us!!
May all your missions be successful!

Saturday, June 18, 2016


“The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering”
~ Ben Okri

My beautiful lost her Oma today.

A woman I only knew in the last years of her life, when failing health and a wandering mind had replaced the person she was.

She lived through the holocaust. Her stories of survival, her drive to succeed and her stubbornness were some of the things that shone from within.

Her last few years were so far from what she had been used to. The reality of that was so evident in her words, stature and moods.
The so-called "Golden Years" were apparently not so golden!

She was one of the lucky in my eyes.
In good health until she wasn't!
Her final days were not spent hooked up in the hospital.

Nobody saw this coming.. today!!

A fitting finish for a woman who did things her way!

I raise my coffee mug to my Beautiful's Oma,

Thank you for loving yourself enough to keep living.
Thank you for raising one of the nicest Men I have ever met!
Who in turn helped create your granddaughter. Whom I adore.

May you be dancing amongst the stars surrounded by all who got to the party before you.

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Within These HuMMpz

I LOVE that my 'friend' here is able to share one of the most important things in life.. an opportunity for people to be educated, entertained and inspired..

This fella and it's keeper change lives.. one sandy step at a time!

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Freedom of Expression

Decorating our Canvas is a very personal decision that is usually not done without purpose.
As what we place upon ourselves is a reflection of who we are, where we have been and what/who we have loved.

Judging someone for how they chose to express themselves is like telling them they are wrong for how they dress, do their hair, walk or laugh.
It serves no purpose other than to let the person you are judging know your feelings of distaste.. which really.. they don't want or need to know.

So when you see something you may not understand or like keep in mind that .....

We are the creators of our story..

Our skin are the cave walls that will tell that story when we can no longer.

Accept, Respect and Celebrate!!