Thursday, January 11, 2018

When your past is your present

Today started a little differently than yesterday. 


Today I bit into a muffin and my front tooth broke off ! 
As I looked at it laying on the bathroom counter I was sent flying back to the moment that my tooth began its remarkable impression on my life. 

The things we take for granted are outstanding.. my front tooth has never been one of those things. 
It has always been a reminder of how fragile life is and how fortunate (or not depending on the day you talk to me) I am to be alive.

This misplaced tooth was a result of a "bad date" from when I was 15 and in my second year of my prostitution career in Ottawa.  I knew when the dude punched my mouth that life wasn't going to be the same.. It was within this beating that I saw my young life pass by my eyes like the reel of a movie. 
It was a short reel and flew by and I can remember thinking.. wow, I might not make it out of this one. 
It was learned after they arrested the fella that he had planed on tying me up and putting me in his trunk and taking me home to kill me.  This was pretty evident by his actions as he beat me on the side of the road.. 

The next thing that was evident was how quickly life can change. 

I stood in the middle of the road.. half nakid and bloody at 4 in the morning as a car drove right by me.. This crazed fella took this as another opportunity to beat me and dragged me into the ditch again ... more lights in the distance meant he let me go and hopped in his car to wait for another person to drive by.. 
Again I stood in the road all bloody and crying.. this time this person(I am so grateful for him) stopped and after reassuring me that he wasn't going to hurt me I got into his car and he drove me to the police station.. 

From there it was hospital visit where I was treated for my broken face that included fractured cheekbones and broken jaw and displaced front tooth which was wired back into my face.
Eventually after hours of medical and police attention I was taken back to my apartment where I stopped at my friends place to let her know what was happening.. 

She freaked out and told me to go upstairs and she would come take care of me. That is what I did, crawling into bed and falling asleep quickly and thankful for the great pain medication I was given.  I woke to that friend from downstairs was going down on me, raping me.  I remember thinking "I am not sure what is happening but I cant stop it".. It continued until I gathered my strength and fought her off. 

After that night things went very fast.. The fella was caught and charged with attempted murder.. 
After a few months of police involvement they figured out I was a run away and came to my apt and got me, without warming, to bring me back to Barrie and my mother. 

I refused to go back into her home because she still lived with my step father,, the man who had been raping me for years and the reason I left home when I was 13. 
  
I ended up at a foster home and over the next year or so I had many visits to court and the dentist to secure this damn tooth.

After years of the tooth being ok it started dying and going black. I knew it was time to bite the bullet and go back to the dentist and have it removed and an implant installed. 
I searched for a dentist that would put me to sleep to perform all the tasks and set about doing this.
After months of back and forth to the city dentist I finally got a temp crown put on the tooth and I didn't go back to have the permanent one installed. 

I could smile and I couldn't force myself to face another moment in that damn chair so I just carried on with my life. 
Over the last 15 or so years my temp crown would pop out and I would crazy glue it back in. I figured if I spent the rest of my life gluing it back every 6 months that would be just fine! 

Foolish CaMel! 
Just before I had to move last year the tooth and the inner ring from the implant fell out.  I had to actually go to the dentist and have him cement the inner ring back in so we could glue the tooth on again. Sadly when he did this it wasn't aligned properly and in a few months I started to feel a hole starting on the back of the tooth. 
I returned to my dentist and he filled it with some goop and sent me on my way.. I am sure we both knew it wouldn't last but we didn't make any steps towards ensuring I was covered in case it broke.

This brings me to today as I look at my broken front tooth on the counter.  Two days ago I wrote my dentist and told him I was concerned and we had to do something. This morning I sent him the pictures of my tooth and my gappy tooth face.  

I saved the retainer with the front tooth on it just in case I was ever in this type of situation and it is that which I will take to the dr and hope they can make an impression from. 

I really work on keeping my head clear of any of my past. I know where responsibility lay for the life altering moments.  I have put it all into perspective and forgiven myself and all those that harmed me in order for me to move forward with some sort of sanity!  I know .. shhh!!! 

I am struggling today as I look at my broken face in the mirror.. the reality of  how others harmful actions affected my life  is brought to the surface. This tooth has always been a reminder even when my brain has chosen to give me a break!

This is the result of someone taking advantage of innocence. 
This is my daily visual reminder of where I come from and how I was forced to survive in a world where we are supposed to be protected, loved and encouraged. 

This visual I can't ever escape as I look at myself in the mirror. This means I can't hide my past within the folds of my memory as I would love to do! A powerful tool I imagine! 

Here I sit.. wondering how I am going to pull this off.. financially and emotionally.  I know that in the end I will be ok as I have always been so fortunate in my life. 

I am a survivor.. who has never come out of survival mode which is exhausting. 

Sometimes like my tooth, I feel broken. Today is one of those days.

So I will spend my day reminding myself that its just a tooth and that I am more than a tooth, 
I am crazy glue!


EDIT.. 

It is now the evening of this day,.. and I am sitting feeling pretty good. 

The universe did what it does and I was able to get into my most amazing dentist and have a brand new tooth crafted on the spot. 
He is a magician.. I am so grateful for his patience and skills as I walked away today with a brand new tooth, cemented into my noggin and ready for the next 20 years of my life. 

It doesn't have any gums so when my mouth is wide open it reminds me of a Chicklet and it is a bit whiter than the rest.  I love this aspect as it makes it even more special to me. 

My dentist said I was lucky it happened this morning as he wasn't there tomorrow.. I can't even imagine.. lol 

So thank you Universe for allowing me to finish this tooth situation in a manner that makes me smile.. proudly and put to rest some old tracks that have been front and center in my world for a very long while. 



    Dr Wong
https://www.drelstonwong.com/




Monday, January 8, 2018

We reap what we sew!! My Monday morning head shake!!

Today I woke to a message from a past client asking if I would be available to tattoo her later this week. 

I would normally have been thrilled to get another opportunity to add to someones canvas.

 Sadly this was not one of those times. 

See, this woman had spent a bit of time in my studio a few different times.. once there was a situation with her Son who had come to get a matching tattoo with his mom.  We were having a very interesting discussion where I was explaining the need for "The Slut Walk", He got his knickers in a knot when we started talking about how society blames the girl for attracting attention from what she wears.. which brought us to discussing his sister's attire.  He proclaimed that his sister deserves to be harassed because she wanders around downtown dressed like a whore. 
Now I damn well was not going to have that energy in my space and I proceeded to get in his face, along with his mom,   about how it was attitudes like his that perpetrated these horrific acts. 
He responded by throwing his banana across my studio and storming out. 

I was blown away by this and felt so bad for his mom as she sat there with her mouth open in amazement. Hearing her son talk about his sister and other women with such blatant disrespect was hard to hear she said.. I can only imagine as it was so difficult to watch! 
We stopped, had a coffee and regrouped so we could carry on with her addition. 

 I didn't see her for a while after that but when I did she came and got a rather big piece down her back.. I had given a estimate of one price but sadly it took a bit longer than I anticipated and asked for an extra $40 to cover this extra time and effort.  She did not have it with her but promised to email it asap.
I never saw that transfer.. I inquired about it politely and was told it was on its way.. of course I didn't see it and assumed this was not something I was going to resolve and moved on with my life. 

This past November I got another message from her asking if I would help her with another idea she had.. I gently reminded her that she still owed me this $40 and before I was going to book her in I would require that be settled.. 

Guess what happened?    That's right.. nothing! 

Here we are today.. I receive yet another message that informs me she wants to get another addition and will bring the money she owes me when she comes for this one. 

This rubbed me the wrong way and I responded with a note saying I wasn't interested in her business anymore.. etc.. *It's all down below for you to read!)  

She responded to my note with three letters.. "LOL"

I am not surprised this person response as I am know people are very focused on what they want and can get without considering who they wrong in doing so. 

This woman is a self employed and runs a child care in her home.. I am SURE she would never tolerate someone not paying her. 

 To do to another, what you would freak out if it was done to you, speaks volumes about who you are! 

It is these individuals that are the bullies of society.. they deem themselves above any of the common "rules" and treat those that tend to their needs like shit. 

I am sad for those that have to live like this.. that take advantage of others kindness, are mean and disrespectful.  I can't imagine how horrible it would be to feel so bitter all the time.

I certainly know what it feels like on the other side of their actions and will always do my best to stand up to them and speak my truth about how their actions make me feel.. 

I have hope that someday one of these folks will take my words into their heads and realize that perhaps there is a different way to do things that will create a much more positive space to exist within.

One where you are trusted, respected and appreciated!

I am grateful for this experience this morning.. it made the rest of my day SHINE.. 






















Sunday, December 31, 2017

equanimity

equanimity
e·qua·nim·i·ty
ˌekwəˈnimədē
noun
mental calmness, composure, and evenness of temper, especially in a difficult situation.

I am cultivating the shit out of this ..... lol
— feeling hopeful.

2018.. I got you!!!

For the last few years I have created a "Theme" for the year to come.. This year was difficult to decide as there were so many things I need to focus on..
It finally came to me the other day.. An all encompassing word that will motivate me to continue to make changes in my life that will create my happiness.

I have spent 2017 on a roller coaster of wow. I have sadly experienced pure evil individuals but that was offset by the most beautiful moments a person could ever hope for.

This brings me to now.. the end of this brilliant year of hard lessons and the beginning of a year of adventure, kindness and growth.

My theme for 2018 is CULTIVATE.

I will cultivate kindness and compassion.
I will cultivate self love and care. I give too much of myself to those that don't care about me. This needs to stop.
I will continue to share myself and take risks..
I will continue to cultivate forgiveness and encourage self expression.
I will continue to cultivate love for in the end that is what this is all about.

I am so so fortunate in my life and this is not something I ever take for granted..
I thank the universe many times a day for providing me with strength and surrounding me with amazing energy.

May all of you that i engage with remain safe in this coming year!
I hope you are able to cultivate your own peace and promise within your lives.
Thank you for sharing yourselves with me. without all of you I would not be the person I am today..
I am grateful, grounded and dying for some cake!!

Welcome to the next round!!

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

Another year older!!

I was adopted, so every year I give a shout out of thanks to the woman that so selflessly surrendered me to the unknown in hopes I would have a life full of wonder.
I have never wanted to meet her as I cant imagine telling her about how I became the CaMel I am today! As honesty is what I am about and in the truth of my being amazing lies some very unfavorable circumstances! If i were in her shoes I would be crushed that my attempt to do something so good was hampered by the evils of individuals.
I spent the last week immersed in memories of my life as I was visited by a "ghost" of my first love!! holy fuck!!! It was wonderful to have some closure but it left me feeling pathetic! I was able to see how far back my dysfunction and need to help others lay!
I am so grateful for all of you, to know that at some point we have touched each others lives enough to leave an impression that created smiles.
I never want to think my actions have brought you harm or confusion. I am very aware of how powerful my words can be and I hope that in the course of sharing them I have created warmth, understanding and laughter within your lives.
I work very hard to keep myself alive.. I know to some of you that sounds foolish and selfish. To others tho, you are very aware of what I speak of. My family and my knowledge of how important those relationships are is my ultimate anchor. I will not harm them with my "selfishness" (i hate that term when it comes to suicide) I will not leave them feeling abandoned or helpless.
I am moving into my new year with an open mind, outstretched arms and firmly rooted within myself.
I am stronger and more self aware than ever and I intend to do better in all areas of my life. cultivating positivity and hope. For without those very important elements in my life, I have no life.
To those I interacted with this year.. and you know who you are.. thank you for the important lessons..
There are the disgusting moments when I learned I was evicted from my home, was a "bucket list" conquest, am too "much" to expect anyone to love, lied about and to and told i was tolerated simply because of my relationship with another.
Then the beautiful moments.. where your support and compassion surrounding my situations truly carried me through.
I am so very grateful for each of you and my experiences.. They bring me to now, the day after my birthday.. Where I was surrounded by my most treasured and learned I am gonna be a GraMel again!!
I will again have the privilege of being a part of another young life, showering it with love and affection. Helping it grow into the best huMan possible.
Life is precious.. every step and interaction has ramifications.. those waves ripple throughout your life and become a part of your every memory.
I have promised myself( I don't promise anything!!) that I will continue to keep my heart, mind and arms open.
No matter what is thrown at me.. even shit makes for interesting make up!
We all know I thrive on interesting!!!
Thank you again for being a part of my life, your contributions help create this CaMel whom I am very proud to be!