Sunday, December 31, 2017


mental calmness, composure, and evenness of temper, especially in a difficult situation.

I am cultivating the shit out of this ..... lol
— feeling hopeful.

2018.. I got you!!!

For the last few years I have created a "Theme" for the year to come.. This year was difficult to decide as there were so many things I need to focus on..
It finally came to me the other day.. An all encompassing word that will motivate me to continue to make changes in my life that will create my happiness.

I have spent 2017 on a roller coaster of wow. I have sadly experienced pure evil individuals but that was offset by the most beautiful moments a person could ever hope for.

This brings me to now.. the end of this brilliant year of hard lessons and the beginning of a year of adventure, kindness and growth.

My theme for 2018 is CULTIVATE.

I will cultivate kindness and compassion.
I will cultivate self love and care. I give too much of myself to those that don't care about me. This needs to stop.
I will continue to share myself and take risks..
I will continue to cultivate forgiveness and encourage self expression.
I will continue to cultivate love for in the end that is what this is all about.

I am so so fortunate in my life and this is not something I ever take for granted..
I thank the universe many times a day for providing me with strength and surrounding me with amazing energy.

May all of you that i engage with remain safe in this coming year!
I hope you are able to cultivate your own peace and promise within your lives.
Thank you for sharing yourselves with me. without all of you I would not be the person I am today..
I am grateful, grounded and dying for some cake!!

Welcome to the next round!!

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

Another year older!!

I was adopted, so every year I give a shout out of thanks to the woman that so selflessly surrendered me to the unknown in hopes I would have a life full of wonder.
I have never wanted to meet her as I cant imagine telling her about how I became the CaMel I am today! As honesty is what I am about and in the truth of my being amazing lies some very unfavorable circumstances! If i were in her shoes I would be crushed that my attempt to do something so good was hampered by the evils of individuals.
I spent the last week immersed in memories of my life as I was visited by a "ghost" of my first love!! holy fuck!!! It was wonderful to have some closure but it left me feeling pathetic! I was able to see how far back my dysfunction and need to help others lay!
I am so grateful for all of you, to know that at some point we have touched each others lives enough to leave an impression that created smiles.
I never want to think my actions have brought you harm or confusion. I am very aware of how powerful my words can be and I hope that in the course of sharing them I have created warmth, understanding and laughter within your lives.
I work very hard to keep myself alive.. I know to some of you that sounds foolish and selfish. To others tho, you are very aware of what I speak of. My family and my knowledge of how important those relationships are is my ultimate anchor. I will not harm them with my "selfishness" (i hate that term when it comes to suicide) I will not leave them feeling abandoned or helpless.
I am moving into my new year with an open mind, outstretched arms and firmly rooted within myself.
I am stronger and more self aware than ever and I intend to do better in all areas of my life. cultivating positivity and hope. For without those very important elements in my life, I have no life.
To those I interacted with this year.. and you know who you are.. thank you for the important lessons..
There are the disgusting moments when I learned I was evicted from my home, was a "bucket list" conquest, am too "much" to expect anyone to love, lied about and to and told i was tolerated simply because of my relationship with another.
Then the beautiful moments.. where your support and compassion surrounding my situations truly carried me through.
I am so very grateful for each of you and my experiences.. They bring me to now, the day after my birthday.. Where I was surrounded by my most treasured and learned I am gonna be a GraMel again!!
I will again have the privilege of being a part of another young life, showering it with love and affection. Helping it grow into the best huMan possible.
Life is precious.. every step and interaction has ramifications.. those waves ripple throughout your life and become a part of your every memory.
I have promised myself( I don't promise anything!!) that I will continue to keep my heart, mind and arms open.
No matter what is thrown at me.. even shit makes for interesting make up!
We all know I thrive on interesting!!!
Thank you again for being a part of my life, your contributions help create this CaMel whom I am very proud to be!

Sunday, July 9, 2017

A taste of your own medicine

I have spent a lot of time recently trying to stay in the lives of individuals that are not as willing to invest in me as I am in them.
My intentions are always pure. The lessons from these experiences are harsh yet necessary
I have made myself a promise that from this moment on if someone wants to be around me they will be as invested as I am in the things I deem important.. such as communication, honesty, personal responsibility and omg a sense of humor!
I am a sensitive caMel and I will never apologize for that as it is all part of my charm!
Be good to yourselves as it shows others what you expect to be treated like.

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Showing up?

''I think midlife is when the universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear:
I’m not screwing around. It’s time. All of this pretending and performing – these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt – has to go.

Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts. I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armor could help you secure all of the things you needed to feel worthy of love and belonging, but you’re still searching and you’re more lost than ever.
Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through you. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen.''