Sunday, July 24, 2016

When good things end.

Forgiveness is easier when you are not faced with new circumstances that ramp up your ire!
I am grateful to the universe for showing me where I need to focus my energy.
Sadly it is not going to be towards my beautiful as she is no longer my beautiful.
She has set herself off into the world to experience life in a manner I could not bring to her table.
Sadly this was not done with grace and the process has been long creating monsters in us both.
I hope with time and love we can both heal and move forward utilizing the lessons we learned together.
I am shattered.. as you can imagine. My entire world was with her and now I am faced with the reality that no matter how hard I tried it wasn't enough. Funny how she echoes the same.
I have some intimacy baggage from childhood sexual abuse and 3 years of prostitution.. I have been to counseling and have done a lot of work on me.
Even more tragic was before she set this in motion I had just started a new medication that has changed my life. So now that I am finally feeling AWESOME I will need to find someone else eventually to share that with.
I sadly ignored the needs of my young partner and made her feel unloved. This feeling opened the door for her to reach outside to find that attention and sadly when that was done without my consent, all things went to shit.
I encourage everyone to communicate.. for it was that lack of communication/disrespect by my partner and her partners, that bring me to this new chapter in my life.
If you can't talk.. you have nothing. Your silence can lead someone on, create a bucket of trouble and eventually end what was the most incredible time of your life.
I AM who I am today because of what SHE brought to my life.
I will always love her with everything I have and i am angry at myself for dropping the ball (LOL). I know now where it all stands and am moving forward and not pretending anymore that it will all be ok.
I want nothing but happiness for her, for our friends to support her as she moves forward and for her to finally feel the love she has missed. i wish that it was me that would bring that joy to her door but I know I had my chance. The world has so much available to her.
And every day I thank her for the opportunity I had to feel like I was whole even when I know I am far from that. I will treasure her love and dedication. I have never loved anyone like I do her.
Please be patient with me as I heal. Love is a hard thing to let go even harder when you were not the one to do anything wrong and you still have so much love.
I am grateful for all of you and your support.. I have pulled back since this happened so I could figure it all and now when I am ready to come back I am overwhelmed by the support of my friends.
I love you all .. so much. Please know my silence is not anger yet simply protection as I heal.
Be good to each other.. never know when your life will change.

Please know I take my responsibility.. I reacted very poorly at times saying some very mean and unnecessary things. This has not been easy for either of us and I struggle daily with the behaviour I let happen.
Part of this letter is to finally get some closure for us both. She didn't do anything other than follow her needs. I understand the whys and was truly working towards finding the proper environment for her to fulfil these needs.. I totally set this up and would have been fine with it had I been able to consent to the time etc.
She is a wonderful woman.. who felt neglected and sad.. I am so so sad that I hurt her and only want her to be true to herself and go after her dreams.
Perhaps someday the universe will bring us back together.. but for now being apart is where it needs to be.
She messed up.. I messed up. We both own it and accept it.

I was informed by one that my note makes me sound like I am presenting myself as a victim.. Which is SO not the case.
I am a statistic.. of open/poly gone wrong,
Guilty of taking risks which usually are under the umbrella of RAC
All were present in this situation but CONSENTUAL.. which in the end.. trumps all else.
I am disappointed absolutely, as I never imagined this would happen.
That I would be looked upon as the one "throwing it all away" because I have some serious issues with my partner carrying on with life with these folks and me not being able to join in anymore. The very people that broke my trust. Up to this point we had, as couples, done so much together over the year and had plans for a fun future.
The compromise I was presented with is her refraining from sexual escapades with them but she is going to keep her friends and continue to party and have fun.
I was not only was expected to rebuild the trust of one.. but truly three.
What do I gain from that.. yes it is wonderful knowing my partner is out there having fun and living life. I am thrilled to remain home (insert sarcasm here).. taking care of her house, crushed because I had to remove myself from the situation after calling everyone out on their bad behaviour. Perhaps slightly too crude or aggressive I admit.. but in the end, I did those things to ensure I would not have to interact with them again.
I trusted the fella .. as agreed upon before hand they had done some things in the past.. non sexual.. They had not gone "there" and as I learned after, had ever communicated about going there other than our initial checklist that was done in JANUARY!!!
I trusted him as a man to take care of what I treasured. . A big one for me as I do have much experience with humans and I know what they are capable of.
I trusted him as a friend which in the end.. well.
I also viewed him as my "play friend".. as we had (or again so I had thought) that arrangement for us both to explore.
I was not informed they were at this point in their relationship nor was I informed the full extent of the actual act until a month after. Then it was made out to be nothing as my partner didn't classify the nakid interactive actions as sex. Which I struggled with as well.. for to me.. nakid interactive actions with two people = sex. add in unprotected to the mix and well... no nuance here.
So yes.. I feel very disrespected and a little bitter about what has transpired.. which is a far cry from victim..
I have been told the nuances of the situation allow it to be special.. I disagree.
The situation is this.. no consent to unprotected sexual fun = broken trust.
broken trust needs to be rebuilt .. without the outside influence of those that broke it in the first place.
I wasn't given a chance to forgive and heal. I feel it never really ended as I have not felt safe in my life/relationship since.
But I know it goes deeper than this.. I feel it was a way for my partner to find her way out of a relationship that she wasn't into anymore.
As of today, we are still working out the separation agreements.
I am you see.. screwed. .my income and life reside in a home that I was told was bought "for me/our future" 2 months before this happened.. so I have spent the last 10 months (yes this happened on our anniversary) terrified that I will have to start over.. and to be honest I have nothing.
I have been building my business within our home since the beginning. SHE has always been my #1 supporter in all ways as I was the domestic CaMel and loving my position. I was taking care of all the petty aspects of our lives while SHE worked and did school for almost 6 years now.. My business has paid for itself and a little extra each year getting better I didn't start any savings as all my money earned went back into the business and our lives. .
Now I admit it's not going to work and i need to figure out what to do from here as you see my name is on nothing. She bought the house and my credit sucks.. so of course, I can't be on the deed. It was never an issue.. until it was!  
She is a wonderful woman who is hurt.. and normally would never do anything to harm me but I am afraid of course due to the nuances of the situation.  Hurt people do crappy things.. I know this cuz I have done them myself! 
Common law has no rights.. Did I mention terrified.,. yet still not a victim. I took the risk.
Communication again.. it was key .. from the moment our relationship and our relationship with others began, until even this moment.
This is tragic.. for what has been lost was fucking magic.. or so I thought.
We were strong and worked so well together She was committed to me, gave me everything and loved me until it didn't work for her anymore. After all is said and done it seems she spent much time hurting from my lack of intimacy and not taking care of herself. I don't blame her for this as it was meant to happen so we can both learn and move forward.
I know there are people that think I am wrong and that I should have just let it go. I get that and understand that not everyone will feel the same about these sorts of experiences in relationships.
So again.. not a victim.. but a statistic.. of the "Never fuck your friendS" club.
I knew better but thought I was going to be above this happening.. lol
Communication could have stopped this from happening.. simply asking if I was ok.. to which I would have requested it happen another night, within a much more respectful and comfortable environment. With EVERYONES consent.
All it would have taken was a moment to get that consent.. a moment that has changed the lives of two very amazing women and those around them.
I am so very very sorry for the manner in which I have reacted.. I am sorry that I can't turn back time and make her feel that I adored her.. I really thought she felt my commitment to her and our life we had been building.
I know there is no turning back.. just working through the heartache that I know I carry and when I get a chance to look in her eyes.. she carries as well.
I miss my monkey butt.. My beautiful ... I know It will get easier .. I will feel stronger.. but right now.. as I sit bawling.. I feel rather.. empty.
It wasn't worth the risk.. I have lost the love of my life.. my nurse.. my everything.
And she has set her CaMel free..



I am not sharing this to make anyone look bad.  I am explaining my experiences with open/poly.  

I am also sharing how we can totally rob ourselves of security by not taking care of ourselves in the manner of a personal savings/partnership agreements etc. 

I don't think for a moment that SHE will present me with a situation that is not fair. I don't think that SHE wants to see me harmed.  I think SHE still loves me somewhere within. 

I would love to see me remain as the Custodian CaMel.. taking care of her investment and paying my way with the proceeds for my already established studio.

I don't want to harm her EVER.  I am not doing anything by sharing but trying to help someone out there that may find themselves in a similar situation.

I have spent my entire adult life online.. sharing pieces of my life, who I am, my relationship troubles, where I came from and all the things that have brought me joy.. 

Why is it when I share my pain..I am judged.  

Come on now.. We learn from each other and if something I say here helps someone not feel/experience this.. then I have made a difference and helps me to swallow a very bitter pill.. 

Which is what life is sometimes..  

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