When your past is your present

Today started a little differently than yesterday. 

Today I bit into a muffin and my front tooth broke off ! 

As I looked at it laying on the bathroom counter I was sent flying back to the moment that my tooth began its remarkable impression on my life. 

The things we take for granted are outstanding.. my front tooth has never been one of those things. 

It has always been a reminder of how fragile life is and how fortunate (or not depending on the day you talk to me) I am to be alive.

This misplaced tooth was a result of a "bad date" from when I was 15 and in my second year of my prostitution career in Ottawa.  I knew when the dude punched my mouth that life wasn't going to be the same.. It was within this beating that I saw my young life pass by my eyes like the reel of a movie. 

It was a short reel and flew by and I can remember thinking.. wow, I might not make it out of this one. 

It was learned after they arrested the fella that he had planed on tying me up and putting me in his trunk and taking me home to kill me.  This was pretty evident by his actions as he beat me on the side of the road.. 

The next thing that was evident was how quickly life can change. 

I stood in the middle of the road.. half nakid and bloody at 4 in the morning as a car drove right by me.. This crazed fella took this as another opportunity to beat me and dragged me into the ditch again ... more lights in the distance meant he let me go and hopped in his car to wait for another person to drive by.. 

Again I stood in the road all bloody and crying.. this time this person(I am so grateful for him) stopped and after reassuring me that he wasn't going to hurt me I got into his car and he drove me to the police station.. 

From there it was hospital visit where I was treated for my broken face that included fractured cheekbones and broken jaw and displaced front tooth which was wired back into my face.

Eventually after hours of medical and police attention I was taken back to my apartment where I stopped at my friends place to let her know what was happening.. 

She freaked out and told me to go upstairs and she would come take care of me. That is what I did, crawling into bed and falling asleep quickly and thankful for the great pain medication I was given.  I woke to that friend from downstairs was going down on me, raping me.  I remember thinking "I am not sure what is happening but I cant stop it".. It continued until I gathered my strength and fought her off. 

After that night things went very fast.. The fella was caught and charged with attempted murder.. 

After a few months of police involvement they figured out I was a run away and came to my apt and got me, without warming, to bring me back to Barrie and my mother. 

I refused to go back into her home because she still lived with my step father,, the man who had been raping me for years and the reason I left home when I was 13. 

  

I ended up at a foster home and over the next year or so I had many visits to court and the dentist to secure this damn tooth.

After years of the tooth being ok it started dying and going black. I knew it was time to bite the bullet and go back to the dentist and have it removed and an implant installed. 

I searched for a dentist that would put me to sleep to perform all the tasks and set about doing this.

After months of back and forth to the city dentist I finally got a temp crown put on the tooth and I didn't go back to have the permanent one installed. 

I could smile and I couldn't force myself to face another moment in that damn chair so I just carried on with my life. 

Over the last 15 or so years my temp crown would pop out and I would crazy glue it back in. I figured if I spent the rest of my life gluing it back every 6 months that would be just fine! 

Foolish CaMel! 

Just before I had to move last year the tooth and the inner ring from the implant fell out.  I had to actually go to the dentist and have him cement the inner ring back in so we could glue the tooth on again. Sadly when he did this it wasn't aligned properly and in a few months I started to feel a hole starting on the back of the tooth. 

I returned to my dentist and he filled it with some goop and sent me on my way.. I am sure we both knew it wouldn't last but we didn't make any steps towards ensuring I was covered in case it broke.

This brings me to today as I look at my broken front tooth on the counter.  Two days ago I wrote my dentist and told him I was concerned and we had to do something. This morning I sent him the pictures of my tooth and my gappy tooth face.  

I saved the retainer with the front tooth on it just in case I was ever in this type of situation and it is that which I will take to the dr and hope they can make an impression from. 

I really work on keeping my head clear of any of my past. I know where responsibility lay for the life altering moments.  I have put it all into perspective and forgiven myself and all those that harmed me in order for me to move forward with some sort of sanity!  I know .. shhh!!! 

I am struggling today as I look at my broken face in the mirror.. the reality of  how others harmful actions affected my life  is brought to the surface. This tooth has always been a reminder even when my brain has chosen to give me a break!

This is the result of someone taking advantage of innocence. 

This is my daily visual reminder of where I come from and how I was forced to survive in a world where we are supposed to be protected, loved and encouraged. 

This visual I can't ever escape as I look at myself in the mirror. This means I can't hide my past within the folds of my memory as I would love to do! A powerful tool I imagine! 

Here I sit.. wondering how I am going to pull this off.. financially and emotionally.  I know that in the end I will be ok as I have always been so fortunate in my life. 

I am a survivor.. who has never come out of survival mode which is exhausting. 

Sometimes like my tooth, I feel broken. Today is one of those days.

So I will spend my day reminding myself that its just a tooth and that I am more than a tooth, 

I am crazy glue!

EDIT.. 

It is now the evening of this day,.. and I am sitting feeling pretty good. 

The universe did what it does and I was able to get into my most amazing dentist and have a brand new tooth crafted on the spot. 

He is a magician.. I am so grateful for his patience and skills as I walked away today with a brand new tooth, cemented into my noggin and ready for the next 20 years of my life. 

It doesn't have any gums so when my mouth is wide open it reminds me of a Chicklet and it is a bit whiter than the rest.  I love this aspect as it makes it even more special to me. 

My dentist said I was lucky it happened this morning as he wasn't there tomorrow.. I can't even imagine.. lol 

So thank you Universe for allowing me to finish this tooth situation in a manner that makes me smile.. proudly and put to rest some old tracks that have been front and center in my world for a very long while. 

   
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