How another's mental illness affects my life and the boundaries I need to establish.

Below is a collection of comments I received last night when trying to have some items this person has borrowed returned to me. I have gone to the police regarding the harassment from this individual and her people. 

It is my fault that they are still in my life,. some fucked up part of me keeps thinking things will change and that someone can't be so troubled when shown kindness and compassion.. 

I am wrong in my thinking and so very done with this in my life.

I have never been spoken to with such vileness.. I find it difficult to imagine what it must be like to live within such a troubled mind.. I do tho know what it feels like to be treated like trash every time they feel the urge. 

I am grateful for the past year as it has helped me gain the strength needed to remove this energy from my life.. and to know that no matter what, they will never be an individual that is healthy for me to associate with.

I feel for them.. sad that they cant figure out a more productive manner to express themselves. 

I am saddened because within them I know there is a good, scared, hurt person who only wants to be loved in a manner that doesn't create more madness. 

I took these from tonight's emails and put them here to remind me of what evil looks like.. I did not include the ones where they pick apart all my past partners in the most despicable manner I have ever experienced.  Nor will I share last nights barrage of loveliness.. suffice to say it was equally as nasty and typical in its delivery! 

This persons troubled mind is  another example of what happens when you fuck with the innocent minds of children and do not give them a means to heal those hurts. 

I am sorry that this happened.. again.. I will finally stop being so fucking selfish in thinking things can change and leave them alone forever.. 

I refuse to allow this energy into my life anymore.. for this is the stuff that pushes innocent people to the brink. 

"You’re an ugly, smug bitch and your hair makes you hideous. You’re a skank and a piece of PIG shit. 

You’re so fucking stupid, it’s laughable. Go get an education you uneducated fucking bitch. You are “A honest person”? Lmfao it’s AN honest. ROFL. You’re so fucking stupid. You think I care about the barn animals you call exes? Lol lol lol lol. "

"You’re pure trash. You're ugly. You’re stupid and you can’t tattoo worth shit. "

"You’re a huge joke. Now go run to Facebook like the ugly nasty 48 year old stinky, scuzzy attention seeking whore pig that you are." (they know what I say because they stalk my profile/business and drive by my cave multiple times a day!)

"Leg spreading whore!!!!!!Once a prostitute, always a prostitute." 

"Diseased nasty, RAPIST Cunt." (They stayed over and consented to my touching them while we were both fully jammied.. ie rubbing back as they were falling asleep and have now used that against me trying to say I touched them inappropriately,   Last year they took a photo of a bruise they had gotten from consensual play and made a facebook post saying i had been violently assaulting and raping them for 6 months.. we were only together 3!! and were consenting kink partners) (Not sure about the diseased part tho.. lol)

"And may you rest in your ugly glory when cancer and/or COPD finally takes you. I hope you choke!" 

"And it’s “AN” HOUR not “A” HOUR.

Maybe you should think about getting your grade 12 diploma, idiot." (This comes from the person who just a few month ago got her GED!)

Some people act so entitled.. this person is just another one in my life that thinks they are better than others.. I am blown away!

I will come back to this when I need a quick reminder of TOXIC and what I never will allow into my life again! 

I forgive them for their behavior .. .because I know how they got to be sick like this. I will never forget how they treated me and will use that knowledge in my future interactions.

Tragic love story.. tragic lost life.. simply tragic. 

When peoples actions are disgusting!!

tonights

equanimity

equanimity

e·qua·nim·i·ty

ˌekwəˈnimədē

noun

mental calmness, composure, and evenness of temper, especially in a difficult situation.

I am cultivating the shit out of this ..... lol

— feeling hopeful.

2018.. I got you!!!

For the last few years I have created a "Theme" for the year to come.. This year was difficult to decide as there were so many things I need to focus on..

It finally came to me the other day.. An all encompassing word that will motivate me to continue to make changes in my life that will create my happiness.

I have spent 2017 on a roller coaster of wow. I have sadly experienced pure evil individuals but that was offset by the most beautiful moments a person could ever hope for.

This brings me to now.. the end of this brilliant year of hard lessons and the beginning of a year of adventure, kindness and growth.

My theme for 2018 is CULTIVATE.

I will cultivate kindness and compassion.

I will cultivate self love and care. I give too much of myself to those that don't care about me. This needs to stop.

I will continue to share myself and take risks..

I will continue to cultivate forgiveness and encourage self expression.

I will continue to cultivate love for in the end that is what this is all about.

I am so so fortunate in my life and this is not something I ever take for granted..

I thank the universe many times a day for providing me with strength and surrounding me with amazing energy.

May all of you that i engage with remain safe in this coming year!

I hope you are able to cultivate your own peace and promise within your lives.

Thank you for sharing yourselves with me. without all of you I would not be the person I am today..

I am grateful, grounded and dying for some cake!!

Welcome to the next round!!

Another year older!!

I was adopted, so every year I give a shout out of thanks to the woman that so selflessly surrendered me to the unknown in hopes I would have a life full of wonder.

I have never wanted to meet her as I cant imagine telling her about how I became the CaMel I am today! As honesty is what I am about and in the truth of my being amazing lies some very unfavorable circumstances! If i were in her shoes I would be crushed that my attempt to do something so good was hampered by the evils of individuals.

I spent the last week immersed in memories of my life as I was visited by a "ghost" of my first love!! holy fuck!!! It was wonderful to have some closure but it left me feeling pathetic! I was able to see how far back my dysfunction and need to help others lay!

I am so grateful for all of you, to know that at some point we have touched each others lives enough to leave an impression that created smiles.

I never want to think my actions have brought you harm or confusion. I am very aware of how powerful my words can be and I hope that in the course of sharing them I have created warmth, understanding and laughter within your lives.

I work very hard to keep myself alive.. I know to some of you that sounds foolish and selfish. To others tho, you are very aware of what I speak of. My family and my knowledge of how important those relationships are is my ultimate anchor. I will not harm them with my "selfishness" (i hate that term when it comes to suicide) I will not leave them feeling abandoned or helpless.

I am moving into my new year with an open mind, outstretched arms and firmly rooted within myself.

I am stronger and more self aware than ever and I intend to do better in all areas of my life. cultivating positivity and hope. For without those very important elements in my life, I have no life.

To those I interacted with this year.. and you know who you are.. thank you for the important lessons..
There are the disgusting moments when I learned I was evicted from my home, was a "bucket list" conquest, am too "much" to expect anyone to love, lied about and to and told i was tolerated simply because of my relationship with another.
Then the beautiful moments.. where your support and compassion surrounding my situations truly carried me through.

I am so very grateful for each of you and my experiences.. They bring me to now, the day after my birthday.. Where I was surrounded by my most treasured and learned I am gonna be a GraMel again!!

I will again have the privilege of being a part of another young life, showering it with love and affection. Helping it grow into the best huMan possible.

Life is precious.. every step and interaction has ramifications.. those waves ripple throughout your life and become a part of your every memory.

I have promised myself( I don't promise anything!!) that I will continue to keep my heart, mind and arms open.
No matter what is thrown at me.. even shit makes for interesting make up!

We all know I thrive on interesting!!!

Thank you again for being a part of my life, your contributions help create this CaMel whom I am very proud to be!

A taste of your own medicine

I have spent a lot of time recently trying to stay in the lives of individuals that are not as willing to invest in me as I am in them.

My intentions are always pure. The lessons from these experiences are harsh yet necessary

I have made myself a promise that from this moment on if someone wants to be around me they will be as invested as I am in the things I deem important.. such as communication, honesty, personal responsibility and omg a sense of humor!

I am a sensitive caMel and I will never apologize for that as it is all part of my charm!

Be good to yourselves as it shows others what you expect to be treated like.