Another year older!!

I was adopted, so every year I give a shout out of thanks to the woman that so selflessly surrendered me to the unknown in hopes I would have a life full of wonder.

I have never wanted to meet her as I cant imagine telling her about how I became the CaMel I am today! As honesty is what I am about and in the truth of my being amazing lies some very unfavorable circumstances! If i were in her shoes I would be crushed that my attempt to do something so good was hampered by the evils of individuals.

I spent the last week immersed in memories of my life as I was visited by a "ghost" of my first love!! holy fuck!!! It was wonderful to have some closure but it left me feeling pathetic! I was able to see how far back my dysfunction and need to help others lay!

I am so grateful for all of you, to know that at some point we have touched each others lives enough to leave an impression that created smiles.

I never want to think my actions have brought you harm or confusion. I am very aware of how powerful my words can be and I hope that in the course of sharing them I have created warmth, understanding and laughter within your lives.

I work very hard to keep myself alive.. I know to some of you that sounds foolish and selfish. To others tho, you are very aware of what I speak of. My family and my knowledge of how important those relationships are is my ultimate anchor. I will not harm them with my "selfishness" (i hate that term when it comes to suicide) I will not leave them feeling abandoned or helpless.

I am moving into my new year with an open mind, outstretched arms and firmly rooted within myself.

I am stronger and more self aware than ever and I intend to do better in all areas of my life. cultivating positivity and hope. For without those very important elements in my life, I have no life.

To those I interacted with this year.. and you know who you are.. thank you for the important lessons..
There are the disgusting moments when I learned I was evicted from my home, was a "bucket list" conquest, am too "much" to expect anyone to love, lied about and to and told i was tolerated simply because of my relationship with another.
Then the beautiful moments.. where your support and compassion surrounding my situations truly carried me through.

I am so very grateful for each of you and my experiences.. They bring me to now, the day after my birthday.. Where I was surrounded by my most treasured and learned I am gonna be a GraMel again!!

I will again have the privilege of being a part of another young life, showering it with love and affection. Helping it grow into the best huMan possible.

Life is precious.. every step and interaction has ramifications.. those waves ripple throughout your life and become a part of your every memory.

I have promised myself( I don't promise anything!!) that I will continue to keep my heart, mind and arms open.
No matter what is thrown at me.. even shit makes for interesting make up!

We all know I thrive on interesting!!!

Thank you again for being a part of my life, your contributions help create this CaMel whom I am very proud to be!

A taste of your own medicine

I have spent a lot of time recently trying to stay in the lives of individuals that are not as willing to invest in me as I am in them.

My intentions are always pure. The lessons from these experiences are harsh yet necessary

I have made myself a promise that from this moment on if someone wants to be around me they will be as invested as I am in the things I deem important.. such as communication, honesty, personal responsibility and omg a sense of humor!

I am a sensitive caMel and I will never apologize for that as it is all part of my charm!

Be good to yourselves as it shows others what you expect to be treated like.

Showing up?

''I think midlife is when the universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear:

I’m not screwing around. It’s time. All of this pretending and performing – these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt – has to go.

Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts. I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armor could help you secure all of the things you needed to feel worthy of love and belonging, but you’re still searching and you’re more lost than ever.

Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through you. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen.''

2016 You were educational if nothing else..

Trust - Don't!! People suck and well.. no more needs to be said at this time.
Honesty - Can't be expected even if it is given. This has been a huge factor of my year.
Manipulation - Wow!!! Unbelievable how people try to make you responsible for their actions. The skills I have witnessed this year are outstanding. I deserve a prize for being able to see through the plates of bullshit.
Mental illness - Sad, heartbreaking and sometimes harmful to the innocent bystanders.
Friends - Beautiful yet terrifying as trust issues are a very real part of my life right now. My inner circle has gotten very small and consists of two loving furry felines and my few favorites.

BUT after finally being honest with my outer circle the outpouring of love and support has truly provided me with energy on the days I wasn't sure I could.
I am so very grateful for all of those beautiful souls in my life.
And hope that I can give back the support with as much kindness and compassion as I have felt.
Solitude - Sometimes required to stay alive.
Tears - Omfg So many which means so so so much snot!
Food - No longer something I can use to comfort myself as my body is ensuring I remain healthier for this last half of my existence
Anger - At myself for so many things but mostly for hurting people. Never do I wish for my life to bring pain and suffering into someone's world. I am ashamed of myself for my lack of maturity at times. Yet also proud that I have been able to remain in control as I have faced some pretty heavy personal attacks on my integrity.
Confusion - As I struggle to do what is right for all those in my life. To put myself first is a given but still remains the hardest thing to do.
Laughter - Still remains the best medicine and can be done through tears and all that snot.
Hope - fuck, this is fleeting at times.
Fear -  I struggle to keep in check for it is a life blocker.
Security - Unobtainable but some things can be put into place to temporally assist even if it's not permanent.
Intuition - Is a very real thing that I have been honing for my entire life.

I move into this next year alone. My past romantic interactions have left me heartbroken. I need to rebuild my self worth as it has been picked apart this year by people with personal agendas.

I need to continue to find that inner strength to be exactly who I am. I am not suited for everyone. In fact I have learned my lifestyle, career and past are very hard to live with and create insecurity and distrust within intimate partners.

I am going to commit this year to my career and those relationships that are being built within the walls of my studio.
That is where my future lies.

This is where I feel safe and happiest as I am able to assist in self expression and healing in a safe and friendly environment.

Which brings me to my theme for 2017.
Freedom

As that is what I will be encouraging and creating within my own life.

Freedom of fear

It serves only to prohibit me from experiencing life in its pure form.

Freedom of past.. 

Letting go is the only way to move forward.

 
Freedom of expectations

Unrealistic and crushing.  I can't expect others to interact in the same manner that I do.  Sadly I also cant expect to be treated the way I treat others as not everyone gets that simple law of attraction.

Freedom to express.. 

My thoughts in a kind and compassionate manner.

My inner self no matter what others may think as it is not they who live my life!

How the actions of others affect my life. Positive or negative I believe people need to be responsible for how they touch others lives. 

Freedom to take risks..

Terrifying but necessary to move forward. 

Which will in turn help me overcome the silly fears that I have been created as I learned to cope with all that has been happening in my world. 

2016 didn't kill me..

Proving that there was not a "Straw that broke the CaMels back" but rather glasses which enabled me to see life and those within it clearly.

Vision has has helped me see through the madness so I can continue to encourage and experience positive growth.

I wish you...

A day filled with laughter. 

Magical moments you wish you could capture in a jar like firefly's. 

Laughter that makes your cheeks hurt and panties wet(well some of you!) 

Aching ears from the squeals of joy and the words of wisdom.

Arms that are weary from the hugs and playing. 

A tummy that is filled with good food.

Eyes that twinkle as you capture your people in your mind.

A soul that is filled by the love and gratitude.

This might not be a favorite day for many which is something I can fully comprehend!

Please, through the ick, try to remember that you are ... 

BEAUTIFUL, WORTHY AND VALUED!

And this is truly just another day!

Please be safe, kind and open minded.

Energy doesn't lie!

Trust the vibrations you experience when ambling through life.. Energy doesn't lie!

Sometimes we chose to ignore these vibrations in hopes that just this once they would be wrong.. But alas you will often find yourself shaking your head as you deal with the consequences your very own actions, or lack of!

There is a fine balance between what we want and what we need.. sometimes they are one in the same! But not often do we get the results we anticipated.

I do know this.. those results are ALWAYS what is required to move forward with knowledge that 'could' guide us in other directions in the future..

Should we chose to listen.

Today, in a world where the noise is deafening.. take the time, put your ear to the rail, and listen.

Let your energy carry you forward!

As it is intended to.